I have been fortunate thus far in medical school. I have been working hard and killin' the grades (not something to discuss with classmates and since no one really reads this, who cares?)but it ain't easy. So when I prepare for exams, I am stressed and tired. And when I go to pick up those grades, I typically get anxious.
Lately, however, I have become a bit more complacent. After battling through the first year and making it, I now feel pretty confident that I will at least pass. I also don't really seem to care about high-passing (>90) anymore either.
So it was a bit of a shock the other day when I strolled into the curriculum office to pick up my Geriatric course grade and opened the stapled piece of paper to find a 63 accompanied by a big fat F! For the record, Geriatrics was suppose to be a side-liner of a course, a little annoying monkey on your back while you dealt with the gorilla in the room: Neuro. We had had 2 test, 5 assignments, and had an attendance requirement and I had not gotten one grade back yet. Therefore, I had no clue where this 63 was coming from: was it the final exam? The paper? Did they miss that I had attended? WTF? HOW COULD I FAIL GERIATRICS? Yet, I believed it. I had hated the lectures, not paid attention, begrudged the monotone nature of the course director. I could have missed something. I could have spaced because of my complacency, distraction, and hatred for the 8th lecture on the same frickin' thing.
I came home pissed and bummed. I sort of fretted about it in bed for an hour before I could fall asleep. I felt sh#tty. I was sort of a dick. I was going to have to restudy, retake an exam, and lose one of my 2 precious retakes that the school allows us before they throw us on the 5 year plan (an extra $70,000). Failing= pride hit, potential money disaster,extra work, and having to re-read the 10 page document on multiple reasons for urinary incontinence.
The next day, I showed up to class and informed my close friends. They assured me it was an error and that I could not of failed Geriatrics. I felt better. Maybe they were right? I emailed the course director and stopped by offices. Noone. Anxiety prevailed for another day before I finally contacted the assistant course director. She had failed to include my final paper on restraints for the elderly- 25% of my grade. I felt like suing for mental anguish. She corrected the grade and announced that yes, I had indeed HIGH passed. WTF?
The point of this post? I have got to handle failure better. It is going to happen in this process again and again, regardless if it has not happened quite yet. There is no way I am going to avoid failing some test, getting yelled at by an attending, failing to make a diagnosis, or screwing up a procedure. The practice of medicine is laced with failure and the clinical years are going to be heavier than these didactic years. I need to become familiar with failure and accept it when it comes my way.
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2 comments:
Very glad you didn't fail (similar thing happened to a friend regarding an ungraded shelf exam for Peds!) and definitely share your need to develop a thicker skin when it comes to less than perfect performance.
During my first rotation my evaluations consistently read along the lines of "best 3rd year with whom I've worked," & "far above her expected level." When one guy circled a couple of '4's on an eval form after working with me for 4 hours and wrote, "Presentation skills will improve with practice," in the comments section I felt nearly worthless! Which was completely ridiculous since he'd merely given me a bit of direction about how to improve (and I'd presented just one case to him, so I was nervous since I didn't know him at all). At that point I realized I take what near-strangers think of me way too seriously and that I can't allow their impression of me to influence my feelings of self-worth (tho' when they compliment my work I admit it leaves me encouraged to keep going the extra mile).
I also realized that even if someone's impression is correct (e.g., of course my presentation skills will improve with practice) it's a great opportunity to improve and I'll definitely take advantage of it. So maybe it's how we respond to failure by seeking improvement & not getting bogged down that is the really important skill to seek. The not getting bogged down part is hard for those with a perfectionist bent.
You're both doing really well in the insight and personal growth department.
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